A Love Story Isn’t Always a Fairy Tale — But That Doesn’t Matter If It’s Real

She chose the ring less than a year after we had met. It was platinum with the diamond set over a small cut out in the shape of a heart. It seemed like we stopped by to check on it every time we went to the mall. Each time we stopped to look at it, it felt both real and unreal at the same time. The real part was that there was no doubt in my mind that this was where we were headed. The unreal part was taking the actual steps to get there.

We had met at the beginning of 2002, and everything moved fast. There was no caution, no haste and certainly no concerns from either of us. On my end, I wasn’t concerned that she had already been married once and had a five-year-old daughter. On hers, she wasn’t bothered that I was the manager of a night club that didn’t get home until well after 5am on the weekends. After all, that was where we had met and it didn’t take her long to realize I did not fit the stereotype for that job.

Up until this point, the number of long-term relationships I’d been involved in was exactly zero. At the time I had no way of explaining that – I was 25 years old and not without opportunity – but that was the truth.

But back to the ring.

Fast forward to late 2003. During one of our trips to the mall with the obligatory walk through the jewelry store, there was a new wrinkle. There was now a very cute, very soft, stuffed dog that was available with a purchase over a certain amount (the ring would easily qualify). I don’t know if I had been worn down or just felt like it was the right time, but the plan started forming in my mind.

My days off were Sundays and Tuesdays. We spent Sundays with each other, so if I was going to make anything happen, it had to be on a Tuesday while I was off and she was at her job. In early December the wheels went into motion.

As a man on a mission, I got to the mall and walked into the store. Less than an hour later, I was on my way out with a small bag in one hand and a stuffed dog in the other.

I got home to our apartment, found hiding places for the two items and started thinking about how I was going to pop the question.

I had several ideas, some of which were pretty good. Now remember, this was 2003 – Facebook hadn’t been launched and viral videos weren’t a thing yet, so no judging what I thought were “pretty good” ideas back then.

They revolved around Christmas. One was to hide the ring on a Christmas Tree branch – In plain sight. Just casually slip it behind an ornament or something like that. Then, I would get her some thoughtless gifts that I wrapped with the intention of leaving her disappointed. We’re talking socks and stuff like that. After she opened her “presents” I would apologize saying how bad I felt and then go to the tree, grab the ring and do the whole down on one knee thing.

Another was to slip it in her stocking after she had filled them. She was in charge of stuffing the stockings, so if I could sneak it in after the fact it would be a true surprise. I was flip flopping between in the box or out of the box. In the box would have been less dramatic. Out of the box might have caused me to have to prompt her if she didn’t dig deep enough or completely empty it out.

Those were the main ideas. Sadly, they never got past that initial stage.

Before I go on, I need you to understand some things about us that hold true to this day. One, neither of us are good at keeping secrets. Two, we both love to give. So, keep that in mind as this minor trainwreck unfolds…

On that same Tuesday she came home from work in a bad mood. I couldn’t tell you what she was upset about, but I had a pretty good idea how I could fix it. I followed her into our bedroom while she was unloading about her day. When she wasn’t looking, I reached under the bed and pulled out the stuffed dog, thrust it towards her and said something along the lines of, “Will this make you feel better?”

She took the dog, gave me a look and then started squeezing it to see if there was something hidden inside. I can’t remember if I already had the ring in my hand, or if I had to dig it out from somewhere. I held out that felt covered box and said the first thing that came to mind.

“Here.”

Yup, that was it: “Here.”

Time has put a bit of haze over the details, but I do remember her grabbing it and then me taking it back, getting on a knee and asking her properly. But that was it. That was my proposal.

Looking back, it was messy and absolutely ridicule worthy. No, seriously, every time we see a romantic proposal in a movie or TV show I still get punched in the arm. But looking back, it was perfectly imperfect. And it was very much us.

It was close to two and a half years before the wedding took place. With our families very scattered, the “where” it would take place was a big question. She wanted to get married in a church and the best option was the one that her grandparents were long time parishioners of. I don’t remember that being too much of an issue as all the important people in our lives made it there.

We had the wedding ceremony in the church and then had a get together in another room for cake and punch. It was a Baptist Church, so there was no alcohol allowed. All that being said, there were two very memorable moments that still stick out.

The other moment came during the ceremony. At one point she started giggling. Of course, that made me need to bite my tongue to not lose it. I got through my vows without too much trouble, but the preacher had to tell her not to laugh as she took her turn. 

Later, she told me the trigger was that she noticed glitter on him from when he had hugged her earlier. (He wasn’t a random preacher; he was part of her mother’s side of the family.) There was also a part where he talked about the rings being a “precious metal” that got her because we didn’t exactly splurge when it came to the wedding bands.

So, we stumbled through the vows and even though there was some laughter behind the typical “richer or poorer and in sickness and in health” parts, we had no idea how much those things would be tested further down the road.

There’s one thing I want to mention. I don’t know if it’s unique to our situation, but the only things that changed after getting married were our legal status and her last name. What I mean by that is our lives two weeks before the wedding and two weeks after the wedding were exactly the same. Chores, responsibilities, jobs, what we did with our free time – nothing was any different.

I just remember getting home from the wedding and resuming the same life we left. It was back to work and back to doing all the same things. Only there was a new piece of hardware on my left hand.

Over the next few years, time did what time does and marched on. We had our experiences and challenges that were both common and unique. I had started a new job with a new venue about six months earlier. She was working different jobs and doing some part time work with me. We faced job loss a few different times. Once when the company she worked for experienced mass layoffs. Another time was when my boss felt her part time work was a conflict and I was ordered to fire her. But we forged on and made it through.

We dealt with the ups and downs of parenthood including a two-and-a-half-year period where her daughter lived out of state. Again, we managed through that and were very grateful when she moved back and we were able to spend time with her regularly again. Like every parent child relationship, there were ups and downs. But ultimately, we are proud of her and the woman she has become.

We went through a phase of adopting animals to the point we maxed out at five dogs, five cats and two sugar gliders – a certified zoo. While we knew that making new additions every year from 2004 to 2010 would come with a future toll – and it did – we wouldn’t change any of it. Side note, the 2010 addition is still with us along with the 17-month-old dog we adopted last year.

There was a period where she got involved in roller derby. I could not have been more proud of her commitment to it. After a few years, I eventually joined her through coaching and officiating. For us, together was always better.

After some time away from working with me, my boss had a change of heart and allowed her to come back. That role expanded over time, and we were defying odds and working full time together.

You could argue it wasn’t perfect and the roads were filled with potholes and bumps. But I would again say it was perfectly imperfect and it was 100% us.

Like it did for so many others, our world changed dramatically in March of 2020. Our jobs were at a country and western dance hall. To the dismay of our great and loyal customers, it was not considered an essential business. While we were the last ones let go, we faced total job loss together when it was decided the business would not reopen.

But we made the most of that. She found a job that paid well and came with good insurance. I became self-employed and did well enough to get by.

And unless you stumbled upon this story by accident and don’t know either one of us, you know what’s coming next.

On February 10, 2023, our world momentarily stopped. That was the day we received my cancer diagnosis. “Rare. Aggressive. Can’t promise you’ll be here in a year.” Those were the doctor’s words. I’ve written extensively about that day along with my thoughts, emotions and mindset that emerged from that experience, and I don’t see the need to repeat those details here.

I say it only briefly stopped because we decided from the beginning that it was not the end. That’s not to say life has been a fairy tale – far from it. The cancer is not thought to be curable, but it’s not terminal either. We choose to keep going every day – pushing through the ongoing treatments and continuing to live life and do what we do. I think it’s safe to say there is beautiful irony in that the marital vows that were made through poorly suppressed laughter have held strong for all this time.