In 2015 I read a book titled The Secret.  I liked it.  It was an easily digestible business book on the subject of leadership.  It was short and unlike most business books, was formatted as a story.  The topic was of a young manager struggling in her new role.  Through the guidance of a mentor, she finds her way and develops into a strong leader.

If you’re interested in the subject of leadership, that is the first in a series of books that are easy to read and quite helpful.  Mark Miller authors or co-authors all of them.  As I’ve said, they’re easy to read and I’d recommend them to anyone entering a managerial role for the first time.

But the only thing that book has to do with this blog is that it shares a title with another book. 

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne was not on my radar.  Which is surprising.  From 2014-2017, I was devouring audio books at an epic pace.  Between long drives for work and daily hour-long walks with our dogs, I had roughly 15 hours per week to listen to books.  It was a book that I should have read/listened to.  But I didn’t.

I believe now that I never took in that book because it was not the right time.  The universe is funny that way.  Just over a year ago it must have been the right time, because I finally dove in.

If you’ve never read the book, or heard of it, I’ll do my best to summarize it.  Also, if you have Amazon Prime, there is a movie/documentary that preceded the book.  The Secret gives multiple examples of The Law of Attraction.  Basically, what you think about, set your mind to, can become reality.  Thoughts become things.  If you think about it, successful people are typically very confident and know exactly what they want and how they want it.  If you buy into the message from The Secret, that becomes obvious.  Successful people set their minds to what they want to achieve and then take the actions to make it happen.  The opposite is also true.  People with negative dispositions that don’t believe good things can happen to them rarely have positive outcomes.  The Law of Attraction works both ways.

The Universe likes to send us messages.  Sometimes we get them and sometimes we don’t.  But if it’s important, The Universe will try harder.  One analogy is the feather, the brick and the truck.  The first time the message is sent it’s like a feather floating in front of you.  If you don’t get that message, it’s a brick being thrown at you.  If you still fail to see it, it’s a truck coming straight at you.

That’s what happened to me with this book.

One Sunday morning, I decided not to go back to sleep after our dogs and cats demanded their 6am breakfast.  I decided to read instead.  For context, this was not a regular thing.  The book, of course, was The Secret – Law of Attraction version.  The chapter, of all possible chapters, was The Secret to Money.  It talked about visualizing checks showing up in your mailbox.  Okay, whatever.  But I read that chapter. On that day, at that time which was very uncommon for me to read.  After some time, my wife got up and started making breakfast.  I was asking what I could do to be helpful and got the standard answer of stay out of the way.  So, I decided to walk to the mailbox.  This would be the first time I’ve walked to the mailbox on a Sunday.  Can you see where this is going yet?

In the mailbox was an envelope that looked a lot like the one that I had received about a week earlier.  It was a rebate check for a warranty that was cancelled on our first travel trailer that we had just traded in.  I had thought the first check was the only one coming.  This one was a surprise.  In the mail.  On a day that I don’t get mail.  After reading a chapter in a book about checks showing up in your mailbox.  On a day that I don’t typically sit down to read.  I was in a weird state walking back to the house.  I walked in and explained the entire scenario to my wife.  It was unbelievable.  And then it became more unbelievable.  As I sorted through the rest of the mail, I opened another envelope with my name on it.  There was another check.  For around twice as much as the first one.  Years ago, I became a “distributor” for Advocare.  I never wanted to sell the stuff, just be able to buy it at a discount.  Apparently, it was a multi-level marketing deal that needed to be broken up and I got a settlement check that I never knew was coming.

To me, this was the Universe sending the truck at me to tell me that the Law of Attraction is REAL.  That I better start believing in the power of the mind and be prepared to use it.  Now my attitude and mindset have always leaned toward the positive side.  But this experience took everything to another level.  Of course, I could not have known then that this way of thinking would be required less than a year later to potentially save my life.

When the cancer diagnosis came in February, it hit hard as well, but I was unknowingly prepared. The first blog I published on March 10^th had been a few weeks in draft stage.  It discussed all the reasons we were going to win.  My mindset was immediately in the mode of “We can beat this.”  There was no other choice.  I was focused on winning almost from the moment we got the news.  I chose to only focus on things that could help us.

I did make the mistake of Googling the pathology language for about 20 seconds.  I saw the first search result and quickly backed out.  That wasn’t going to help. 

With chemotherapy, they give you a lot of information on what to expect and potential side effects.  I browsed them once and then ejected them from my mind.  I knew if I was focused on the side effects, I’d get every one of them.  Through six rounds of chemo, my side effects have been minimal.  I am constantly telling myself that the chemotherapy will kill cancer but make me stronger overall.  I am determined to gain strength as we go through this.  Against all odds.  

Those are just a few examples of The Law of Attraction in action.  Positive mindset, we can win attitude and making thoughts become things.  Plus pushing away the negativity.  The way I feel, along with the scans and the test results are proving how real it is. 

And now we’re at a very critical point.

On Tuesday, May 23^rd I’m headed in for a surgical procedure that is meant to explore our different options.  Essentially, they will go into my bladder to “look around” and take some tissue samples.  Basically, this will be to determine if a complete removal of my bladder is the next best step.

And to a large degree, that scares me.

It has always been my goal, against all odds, to come out of this as close to 100% normal as possible.  And that’s why this possibility weighs heavily on me.  And it feels wrong.  Because I know I should only feel gratitude for the progress we’ve made to this point.  I know that getting to live, even if it’s with a new normal, is worth whatever price must be paid.  And I know that if that is what happens, I will accept it, adjust, and thrive.  But that doesn’t change the deep, strong desire I feel to be whole.  To be normal.

What I want is for them to get in there on Tuesday and feel like they have the wrong person on the table.  I want them to wonder what this person is doing here with no evidence of disease.  I want them to come out and say that everything looks great and there is no need to pursue a major surgery at this point in time. 

But it feels selfish.  Why do I have the right to want more when we’ve been so fortunate to this point?

It’s very conflicting.  And this is where I must step away from my own emotions and tell myself what I would tell another person I was trying to help in this situation.

1. It is perfectly normal to have these feelings.
2. It is not selfish to want to be whole.  Receiving that gift would not take anything away from anyone else.
3. If the major surgery is necessary, that’s ok.  It takes what it takes for a cure.
4. No matter what, you will come out of this stronger, both mentally and physically.
5. You have a lot left to do and a lot of people to help.  That’s your why.  That’s your reason for fighting so hard.

I have to admit – stepping away and typing that out really helps.  No matter what happens, it’s going to be okay.

So for the next few days, I will be focused on being healthy and whole.  But if that’s not how it’s supposed to play out, that’s okay too.  We can take on whatever the world throws at us. 

You can do anything that you set your mind to.