We were still in a bit of a daze when her phone rang.  We were in the car after having just walked out of the doctor’s office with the initial cancer diagnosis.  It was my wife’s brother.  He was calling her to inform her that his health problems were pretty severe.  He could only have months to live. 

On July 5^th, he succumbed to his illness and passed away at age 34.  Unrelated, the next day, we made the difficult decision to say goodbye to our 16-year-old dog, Luci as she had taken a turn for the worse.  The day after that we were on our way towards the Dallas/Fort Worth area for the funeral.

Times like these have a way of putting things in perspective. 

There are a ton of thoughts in my head and it’s difficult figuring out where to begin.  In my most recent blog, I wrote about Luci and her incredible strength.  Only to have that strength run out days later.  I wrote how our fur babies are all old and we know what’s coming in the next few years.  I wrote about how I cannot be included in that toll for no other reason than I must be here for my wife.  What I didn’t mention is that three years ago she lost her mother.  Six months later it was her stepfather.  And now her brother.  There is only so much loss a person can handle.  My motivation to beat cancer has never been stronger.

Other thoughts revolve around staying positive and trying to see things from the best point of view possible.  Understandably, that is not as easy when sad things happen.  But sad things, bad things, negative things are always happening.  They don’t pause because you’ve experienced too many of them.  They are relentless and don’t care.  This is where perspective and mindset are game changers.  Dwelling on the bad things doesn’t make them go away.  It just keeps them at the front of your mind, ever present and not being helpful.

This is where choice enters the picture.  We get to choose how we treat these situations.  We can elect to be victims and blame the world for sending darkness our way, or we pick a different path that helps us cope and move forward. The beauty is that it is all up to us. 

I was listening to a podcast this morning on the topic of gratitude.  It was discussed that people today tend to spend a lot of time focused on what is missing, rather than what they have.  Sadly, there’s a lot of truth there.  When you stop to think about it, how lucky are we that we are alive at this time?  And how much have we been given that we take for granted.  If you’re old enough, think back to 1993 – thirty years ago.  If you had a cell phone, it was likely the size of a cinder block and had spotty service at best.  If you had internet, it was likely on a slow connection with a fraction of the information available to us now.  There was no such thing as social media.  If you were inflicted with a disease, like cancer, your chances of beating it were nowhere near as good as they are today.  We have so much to be grateful for, yet we tend to focus on what we don’t have.  Not enough time.  Not enough money.  Shifting your perspective to appreciation for what is will change everything.

In 1999, 23-year-old me hit a rough patch.  Burnout is the word that comes to mind, but that doesn’t do it justice.  I needed a break – from literally everything – so I left Houston for a while and moved back to my parents’ house in Salado, TX.  During the time I was there, I spent a lot of time alone and did a lot of reflecting.  I needed to reset.  I stayed for about 5 months before going back to Houston.  Around the time I was getting ready to head back (or shortly after I got there), I made out a list of “Rules to Live By”.  I came up with 27 at the time.  I can’t say I’ve followed them all by the letter.  In fact, I’ve blatantly disregarded several of them.  I’ve been tempted to edit it, and some parts of it need to be as times have changed and it was written half my life ago.  But there is something about it that is honest and pure.  If you’re interested, here it is in its original form:

Rules To Live By

1. Never Complain
2. Accept Responsibility
3. Stand Up for Yourself
4. Take One Day A Week Off Completely Just for You (i.e., No Work, No school, No responsibilities)
5. Learn To Say No
6. Lead By Example
7. Never Ask Anyone to Do Anything Just So That You Don’t Have to Do It
8. Finish what you start.
9. Give the benefit of the doubt to people unless they give up their right to it.
10. Stay organized.
11. Prioritize
12. Read one book each week.
13. Make time for those you love and love you back.
14. If you do something that is going to disappoint someone, make sure you yourself know why you are doing it.  They may never understand, but if you don’t understand there is a problem.
15. Hold no grudges.
16. Try to look at everything from a positive angle.  If there isn’t one, make one up.
17. Know how to budget.
18. Be proud of yourself.
19. If you find yourself in a situation that is wrong for you get out. 
20. Never stand in someone’s way of being happy.
21. Use Credit Cards only when there is no other option.
22. Learn a second language.
23. Be strong enough to make it alone.  Having someone to be with is nice, but don’t let it be a necessity.
24. Believe in love at first sight but wait a while before making a declaration.
25. When you don’t know what to do in a situation ask yourself, “What is the right thing to do?” and do it.
26. Always be the best you can be in whatever you are doing.
27. Always treat others as you want to be treated.

The first edit I would make is on the last rule.  You may recognize it as The Golden Rule.  My edit would be to change it to: Always treat others with kindness and respect.  I’ve learned in the last 23 years that what works for me may work for others.  The way I would want to be treated in a certain situation could be much different than how another would handle the same situation.  For example, many people in my situation (cancer diagnosis) don’t want to discuss it.  I’ve been an open book.  Also, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the list.  Feel free to use the comments section, or send me an email at the address at the end. 

I mentioned the legendary college football coach Lou Holtz in a previous blog.  Rules 25-27 were directly from his books/presentations and were written verbatim at the time.  I used those rules in countless staff meetings over my years as a manager.  About 5 years ago, an employee suggested changing “The Golden Rule” for the reasons listed above.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, Coach Holtz had already made the modification as well. 

As I look back at this list (which I do often these days), I’m drawn to number 15 – Hold no grudges.  As I think about this precious gift we call life, that one rings louder and louder.  Personally, that is a rule that I have followed.  I don’t see a point in being spiteful or vindictive.  There have been times where I could have been both of those things, but what’s the point?  Especially when the other person is a loved one.  Life is too short. 

Another that sticks out is the next one, number 16 – Try to look at everything from a positive angle. If there isn’t one, make one up.  That one has stuck with me the entire time.  Even when I went years between putting my eyes on this list, it was always there.  If you’ve read the previous blogs, it’s obvious.  How do you turn a cancer diagnosis into a positive thing?  I’m doing my best to do it.

That brings us to progress.  We’re now through 9 rounds of chemotherapy.  12 are anticipated.  I’m due for another scan after the next round.  I mentioned the CEA tumor marker blood test in previous posts.  2.5 or below is the score that shows “normal”.  We were 41.9 in February, 10.5 in April and have steadily dropped since.  On July 5^th, we scored a 2.1.  We are in the normal range!  With all of the positive results, I asked for, and received a 20% reduction to the chemo treatments to lessen the side effects that I get.  And let’s face it, while chemo does take out the bad things, it takes its toll on the good things as well.  I’ve also been lobbying to stop the treatments early if the next scan comes back as good or better than the last one.  Major surgery is going to be necessary.  We’ve accepted that.  If we can stop chemo one cycle early, we can get that done sooner rather than later.

Lastly, I want to talk about the benefit taking place on Sunday July 23^rd for our family.  For info, click here.  We are so grateful for the people working to put it together, the artists volunteering their time to play music, and to those that have donated items to be auctioned off.  Regarding the event, we truly hope that everyone that can make it out does.  Seeing friends and family is very important to us.  With the event, we had discussed an entry fee.  Something in the neighborhood of $10 a person.  Honestly a small price to pay just for the talent that is playing.  But I don’t want anyone excluded, especially if it’s about money.  I don’t want a family that only has about $40 to spend to have to use it to get in and not be able to get barbecue plates.  So, the entry donation will be optional.  Maybe that’s stupid on my part, but it feels like the right thing to do (see rule #25).