The phrase “when everything is important, nothing is” is popular for a reason. Because it’s true.  But have you ever gone deep into its meaning?  I have. And I found there is more at stake than you would think.

I’ve been that person, the one that wants to do everything for everyone. Make everyone happy. Never piss anyone off. Be the one that can be counted on. And I was really good at it for a long time.

But here’s what happened. I became good at lots of things. But the only thing I was great at, was being good at lots of things.

Here’s another one that’s been out there a while: “Every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else.”

How can that be? I never say no.

Now, look harder. You thought you were only saying yes to your boss that you’d stay late to finish the project. It didn’t cross your mind that you in turn said no to dinner with your family. Or, if you don’t have a family yet, you said no to time with friends, a workout, or time spent doing what you like to do.

What I’m working toward here is that our capacity has limits. I love hearing how someone is giving 110%, but that math doesn’t math. You only have 100% to give. And the more things you take on, the more diluted you get.

I’ve learned this the hard way. You see, it crushes me to let anyone down. And from time to time, I have overpromised. I was the juggler that added one too many balls and the result was as you’d expect – failures where it all came crashing down.  It has taken time and lessons, but I’ve finally figured some things out – mostly that I cannot do everything and trying to will only make things worse.

Ideally, I want to divide my energy in three ways. First, I’m at a stage where the stakes are literally life and death. I make no secret about my disagreement with cancer, a disagreement that is ongoing. One important note with that is that my current 100% is not the same as my 100% from years past, meaning my capacity is further limited and needs to be managed wisely. Regardless, my health needs a big chunk of my attention. And let’s face it, if I don’t put up a strong fight on that front, it won’t matter what I do with the rest of my focus.

Second, I am not independently wealthy, so I need to produce income. I don’t exactly have an easy schedule for an employer to work with so self-employment is my current direction.  That’s great, I have a path and a lot to offer, but it still takes time and energy to make things happen.  The right percentage of me needs to be given because again, without this aspect, the house of cards collapses.

The third area that gets my attention is my home life. That means my wife, my dog, my cat, and doing things that are peaceful and enjoyable. It is the purpose of the work in the other two areas and demands its own percentage of attention.

That’s it. Those are my Big Three focus areas. It doesn’t seem like much, but let’s break it down and show why adding on top of those is counterproductive.

If each of those areas gets equal attention from me, that is 1/3 of my focus each.  That’s not that big of a number.  Here’s the thing, when you add another point of concern – that other thing that’s important – you must subtract from the initial ones.  This repeats as you add more and more “things you say yes to.” Remember what we said earlier about when you say yes to one thing you say no to something else? This is the point. New additions demand subtractions from your other priorities.

Before this realization I wanted to fight every battle, take on every task asked of me and sometimes, literally, try to be in two places at once. As I said earlier, I was good at it. But that only allowed me to keep going and keep expanding in the wrong direction. I’d like to believe my capacity was above average and I appeared competent in multiple areas. But that was not necessarily a good thing. It led to a long delay in the realization I’ve come to.

And that realization is that I have lived under a dominant mentality for a long time. The mentality that believes I can do it all.  Throw everything you have at me – I can handle it.  Don’t get me wrong, I would be dead without that mindset. It has carried me through three years of a type of cancer that shouldn’t have promised me one.

As I’ve advanced, and my overall capacity has naturally diminished, a new way of thinking has joined. One that taps the other on the shoulder and asks the important question: Is this battle worth the energy it will take to fight it? One that reminds me that it is not just okay, but necessary to let things go if they threaten to drain vital capacities.

For a long time, I was a high-ranking member of the “Everything is important” club. Time and circumstance have been harsh teachers waking me up to a different reality. I finally understand why it is not healthy to try to be everything for everyone. I also understand my warrior is necessary and will never go away. That warrior now has a new authority, focused on the fights that truly matter – an elder serving reminders that trying to fight every battle comes with a cost that might just exceed what I am able to pay.