How to embrace, protect, and appreciate your support system
The Nurse Who Got It Right
It wasn’t easy to walk, but that was the point. The day after abdominal surgery, I was encouraged to make 3–5 laps around the hospital floor. I felt like I’d struggle to keep up with a sloth.
As I shuffled past one room, I overheard something that really irritated me. A nurse was being stern with a patient: “Sir, yelling at the top of your lungs is not the proper way to get our attention. You are not the only patient here. When you hit your call button, we get to you as quickly as we can.”
That room wasn’t far from mine, and I’m sure this wasn’t the first time. Over the past few years, I’ve spent more than 20 nights in hospitals, and sadly, I’ve heard it before. It breaks my heart for the healthcare workers. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially not the people trying to help you.
That’s why I make it a point to balance the scales. I try to be kind, to show gratitude, because those nurses, doctors, PCAs — they’re part of my team. Maybe only for a day or two, but for that time we share the same goal: my wellbeing.
And here’s the bottom line: medical caregivers are only one part of your support system when you’re fighting for your life. Your team may be large or small, but it’s crucial. Could you succeed alone? I don’t know. And I don’t plan on finding out.
What a Support System Really Is
Prior to my own health situation, I thought of a “support system” as just loved ones — family, a few close friends, maybe a support group. It is right there in the name, after all. But I’ve learned it’s so much more than that.
Of course, friends and family (immediate and beyond) make up the front line. As I mentioned in the opening, all doctors, nurses, and healthcare professionals belong in that circle too. Beyond that, your corner might include a faith or spiritual community, your workplace, neighbors, old friends who check in, and even online groups where people in similar situations can lean on each other.
The Two-Way Street
I’ve also learned something else that is crucially important: support is a two-way street. When your loved ones see what you’re going through, they can feel helpless. This is happening to you and there is nothing they can do to change that. So they look for the next best thing — spending time with you, cooking meals, driving you to appointments.
They just want to help. They need to do something. It’s your job to let them. I don’t care if you are the most stubborn, independent person that ever walked the earth. If you’re the type of person who wants to do right by other people, you have to let them do something they feel is helpful. Besides, you can only push people away so much before they stay away. And if the time comes that you absolutely need them, you will want them there.
Walking the Blurry Line
Of course, there is a line between appreciating help and taking advantage. It’s a blurry line, and it moves. I know it can be easy — even tempting — to fall into the mentality of “this horrible thing is happening to me and I need to be taken care of.”
And yes, you’ll likely have people who will do that for you… until that victim mentality drains them and starts affecting their own lives. Hence the blurry line.
A good rule of thumb is this: if you can do it yourself, do it, or at least be willing to. If someone offers to help you with something you could do yourself, politely decline. If they insist, let them. Reframe it as an opportunity to spend time together — and know, deep down, that you’re helping each other.
Respect Your Professional Corner
With healthcare professionals, remember this: it is their job to help you, and you’re seeing them because you need them. There’s no DIY here, no polite declines.
And I cannot stress this enough — I want to shout it from the rooftops — be kind and show gratitude to the people caring for you. First, because it’s simply the right thing to do. Second, because when you’re respectful and grateful, they will often — even subconsciously — elevate the level of care you receive.
These men and women already get too much abuse from too many patients. Don’t add to it. As I said earlier, I make it my goal to be the equalizer — to tip the scale back the other way. To be the patient who makes them smile after a rough encounter with someone else.
Because at the end of the day, they’re human beings. They deserve kindness. They deserve respect.
Support Group Etiquette
Support groups can be an incredible part of your corner — whether that’s in person or online. These are the people who are most likely to understand what you’re going through because they’re walking their own version of it. Sometimes you just need to vent, and they’re the ones who will get it. That’s healthy.
But there’s a line here too. If all you ever bring is complaints, negativity, and “woe is me,” you’ll kill the vibe of the very group that’s trying to help you. Constantly seeking sympathy or looking for people to validate your negative thoughts might feel good in the moment, but it keeps you stuck in that story. (By the way, when you’re stuck, the only way out is forward — I wrote more about that in If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going.)
Here’s the truth: groups aren’t there to keep you comfortable in a victim mindset. They’re there to help you fight. Vent when you need to, but then pivot. Share how you’re trying to deal with it. Ask others what worked for them. That’s where the real value is.
And remember this old saying: we were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen more than you talk. Encourage others. Celebrate their wins. When you contribute to the group as much as you receive from it, everyone gets stronger.
The Extended Communities
Not all support comes from family, close friends, or medical teams. Sometimes it’s the outlying groups that give you an extra boost. Faith and spiritual communities can carry you with prayer, encouragement, or simply showing up when you need it most. Workplaces can do the same, whether it’s coworkers checking in, a boss giving you flexibility, or a team that picks up slack when you can’t.
These groups may not be in the inner circle, but when they rally around you, you realize how big your corner really is.
Not all support is human. Pets—with their unconditional companionship, quiet presence, and faithful routine—are often the most steady part of your corner. Whether it’s a dog who senses when you’re down or a cat that insists on being near you, their emotional grounding is real. And if you want to go deeper, emotional support animals (ESAs) are widely recognized for their role in easing stress and anxiety. NAMI offers a thoughtful breakdown of how ESAs differ from service animals, along with considerations for choosing one.
(Learn more from NAMI’s Emotional Support Animal FAQ.)
Embrace, Protect, Appreciate
In a Fight For Your Life, knowing who is in your support system is crucial. Be sure to embrace them for being in your corner, protect them so they remain there, and appreciate them because they earned it.
Is there a saying that you’re only as strong as your support system? If there’s not, there is now.
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