Just over a week before Christmas 2024, I was not in the best place. For the first time since the cancer diagnosis, my mind was occasionally drifting into dark areas. That data was setting off alarms.  Three months of treatment had not slowed the rising levels of tumor markers in my blood. Both barometers showed their highest numbers since all of this started.

There was also a symptom: pain in my lower back that was affecting my sciatic nerve. That had subtly appeared around mid-June and the intensity increased in line with the tumor markers. It seemed related to me, even though the doctors could not confirm that. I managed the pain with acetaminophen and ibuprofen daily once it got to be too much.

All of this was happening despite the measures that we were taking to fight. We were on an oral chemotherapy drug, getting immunotherapy infusions every other week, being diligent with taking supplements, adding alternative treatments and sticking to a very low carbohydrate and low sugar diet.  It was starting to feel like there was nothing I could do. For the first time, the thought of not winning entered my mind.

Since I started writing about this experience nearly two years ago, I have received a lot of feedback about my attitude. I am fortunate that I can put a positive spin on just about any situation that we encounter regardless of how serious and scary it might be.  Drifting thoughts were new for me. I was not prepared to add my own attitude to the list of things we were battling.

That’s why I decided to make Attitude the first topic as I begin a series of blogs that talk about Fighting For Your Life. I can share all my experiences and tell you all the things that I’ve learned, but none of it will work without the proper mindset. That is my opinion. Different tactics work for different people. I intend to share what works for me hoping that someone will read this and take something away from it that helps.

What follows are some of the steps I take to keep my head in check. As I’ve stated, they work for me. Hopefully they, or some modified versions of them, can work for you.

Journaling and Daily Gratitude

Eventually, the neuropathy in my hands caused by certain chemo drugs made my bad handwriting illegible, any extended handwriting painful so I switched to a digital version. NOTE: 1996-2002 is also digital. The content up until this point was essentially a brain dump journal. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I wanted to journal daily and I guess I didn’t need to brain dump daily. On July 2, 2004 I decided that I would make an entry each day to say something I was grateful for. It went through a few different requirement changes, but the one that is currently in effect is each day I must state at least one thing I’m grateful for. If I miss a day, I must also have one other thing I’m thankful for each day missed.

This has been effective, but until recently, I didn’t know the extent.  Since this blog is about attitude and mindset, and to a further degree, what to do when times aren’t going so good, I referred back to my journal for that period of time when the tumor markers were rising, and the pain in my back was intensifying.  And I had another “Holy Shit” moment.

By choosing to include gratitude in every entry it seems I had no choice but to keep my head up. For me, starting my day with positive thoughts and recognizing things I had to be grateful for was setting the tone. No, it did not keep every dark thought out of my head.  However, it created a situation where the negative thinking was vastly outnumbered, and in some cases reframed to positives.

I’ve picked a few examples to share from the times where the numbers and pain were at their worst.

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12/11/2024 9:09 AM

Here we are, full circle. I’m back at (the doctor’s office) to receive an all-day infusion. Chemo is back on the menu. I am grateful for that. I am thankful that I have the strength to deal with this. I am thankful for all the nurses here to help and take care of me. I also have a lot of mixed emotions. This is not where I wanted to be, but it’s where I am. I know I can handle it.

12/25/2024 12:43 PM

Merry Christmas. I only have a minute or two, so this will only be about gratitude. Today I’m grateful to see another Christmas. I’m grateful for the motivational and mindset gifts my wife gave me. I’m grateful for time spent with my family yesterday and today. There is so much to be grateful for and so much to live for.

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The Discipline to Keep Pushing Forward

When your attitude and motivation are down, you must push forward. For me, in this stretch I still had to get up every day and work. I had to push myself to be productive when I was in pain. I needed to make myself do the exercises a physical therapist had recommended for my back. Discipline is what must take over when motivation is lacking. And I did not have a lot of motivation. Pushing through became a way of life. It had to.

I also needed discipline to stay on track with my treatment, my diet, my supplements and my alternative therapies. Did it feel like they were working? No! The tumor marker increases with every test and the pain was getting worse. Were there times I wanted to say, “Screw It” and stop taking the medicine to avoid the side-effects and start eating comfort foods? Absolutely!  But aside from allowing myself a few slices of my favorite pizza each month, I stayed on track.  

Control the Story with Perspective

Part of staying on course was what I told myself about why discipline, especially with treatment, was important. The narrative, in my mind, was that if I did not continue to do all of those things, the decline would come faster, the strength of the cancer would multiply exponentially, and the fight would end soon. By continuing to be disciplined, the cancer was still increasing its metrics, but more slowly and giving us time to respond. Which we did. More on that later.

I am blessed with the ability to “find the bright side” and reframe narratives so that they work in my favor.  The best example of this, for me, was the blog I published one month after receiving the diagnosis. I gave it the title, Other Than the Cancer Diagnosis, I’m Pretty Damn Lucky. In it, I chronicled how fortunate I was that my life had presented every tool I would need to fight and win. What I did not realize until recently was that the first draft of that blog was started on February 12, 2023. I was diagnosed on February 10^th. It took me exactly two days to go from being told that there was an aggressive cancer inside me that would require extensive chemotherapy treatment to writing about how lucky I was to be in the position I was in. I have no doubt that helped set the tone for any success we’ve had thus far.

I’ve heard that each of us are exactly where we’re supposed to be when we are supposed to be there, so make the most of it.  If you’re relating to this, you may have asked things like, “Why Me?” or “Why now?” I can’t know your answer.  For me, it is so that I can learn from this experience and share what I’ve found with others hoping it can help them navigate some of the scariest stuff imaginable. So, whatever your situation is, you get to tell your story from your point of view. It’s your choice if you are the warrior or the victim. You get to look at what led you here and give it new meaning and purpose.

Support Matters

I must admit two things. First, I have an unbelievable support system. Second, I have no idea if my mindset would be what it is without those people.  I’m lucky enough to have a wife and best friend (same person) that keeps me in check when my attitude slips.  To be fair, she is less, “Don’t worry, everything will be okay” and more “Suck it up, Buttercup” but for me, the message resonates. In addition, there are several friends and family members that check in regularly. Every one of those is a morale booster and a reminder of what we’re fighting for. I intend to expand on the role of your support system in a future Fight For Your Life writing, but it deserves to be mentioned for the role it plays in attitude and mindset.

Content – Pay Attention To What You Watch And What You Listen To

We live in a world where a vast amount of music and video content is consumed daily. I’m not going to drag out this section, but I’m going to share what helps me.  First, I have a “Strength” playlist. It’s on Amazon music. Feel free to look, but be warned, it’s all over the place. The songs on this list help motivate to me and remind me to keep going. I like to listen to it while at the gym.  Another thing that I did is created an audio file of a famous poem, inspiring quotes from some movies that I like, part of a motivational speech and the part of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” (also on the playlist) where he says, “Success is my only motherf’ing option, failure’s Not!” It’s around 8 minutes in length, perfect for the drive to the gym. As for social media, I’ve done my best to get the algorithms to show me content that is inspiring, motivating and health promoting. I try to avoid unnecessary negative news. To me, it makes sense that if you want to fight for your life, you drill your mind with things that help, not work against you.

Wins Do Wonders

When the wins come, embrace them. They are essential to your mental health.  I don’t care if you have a tiny bit of good news next to some bad news. Highlight the positive and recognize there is room for improvement with the negative.  For me, this was the tactic as the tumor markers were achieving what I kept calling “new high scores” while other aspects of my health were showing great improvement. I have essentially reversed chronic kidney disease and discontinued all blood pressure medicine – probably because I’ve intentionally lost around 60 pounds in just over two years to work on my overall health. I told our oncologist that it felt like I was in college acing my required classes while struggling with (but not failing) my major.

That being said, we did get an A+ on our last test in the major.

On December 11^th we resumed one of the stronger chemotherapy infusion drugs from my first go-round in 2023 – Oxaliplatin. This was in addition to the oral chemo drug and the immunotherapy infusion.  Just 16 days later, blood was drawn before the second infusion. The results showed a 52% reduction to my CEA and a whopping 97% decrease on my Signatera. But it was not just numbers. The pain in my back was gone!

I’ll admit, wins like that are huge when it comes to rejuvenating attitude and mindset. We’re very lucky to have those results. And I’m aware that the feedback could be that, sure – it’s easy to be positive when things swing your way like that.  But I would argue that if I had not kept fighting when things were at their worst, if I had allowed the darkness to take over, those results might not have been what they were. I am highly aware of how important my attitude is. I recognize the significance of believing that we will prevail. Most of all, I understand that attitude is, was, and always will be the most important aspect of fighting for your life.

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